You Are Not Alone: Sitting, Tension, Stretching, and Self-Love

 Observed, observing, will observe, observant.

1. Quick to notice things, 2. adhering strictly to the rules of a particular religion (Google Dictionary.)

I am observant, however, not in the same way people I know are observant. They look at the whole picture, first. I pick apart and notice small things first. For instance, when meeting a new person, for any reason, I see what kind of shoes, bite nails, twirl hair, coughing, spit when talking, hands move, bounce one or both legs, does lipstick match complexion, any twitches, stand, sit, what does he or she smell like--anything else? Lots.

If anything, I am over-observant. I believe that makes me a visual learner. Do I see the inside of a person? Yes, usually by what I observe. Do they like who they are? Yes or no, I wonder why? Do they like the way they look? Yes or no, I wonder why? Do they want to be more educated? Yes or no, I wonder why? You get the idea.

Why? Is it all about weight, skin type, hair growth, family background, weight, clothes, financial stability or instability, fear, anxiety, or health. You can probably add to this list.

I recently read a few articles about women’s health on range of tensions for women, men, youth, children—anyone in a tense setting. I imagine using these stretches for my five-year old students and actually did some similar moves with them. They enjoyed it and it broke the tension of sitting during writing or reading circles. Does exercise help with why we are who we are?

Fast forward to my work now as a full-time writer. I’ve been writing, observing, and meeting at my computer since 10:30 a.m. this morning and it’s now nearly 5 p.m.  My neck, back and shoulders will be sore this evening. I looked up some stretches on a site sent to me from the university where I attend online courses for Literacy. I know I have too much weight, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Fibromyalgia, irritable bowel, and depression issues and a strong need to release tension and anxiety which are negative triggers for all of these. I have a Cubi, Jr. I enjoy, but have not touched it for about thirty days. I also have a Yoga for Arthritis disk and enjoy doing it, but haven’t used it for thirty days. What is wrong with me? Do I love myself enough? I was taught not to be proud of myself or any good deeds because it is evil. Is it from Satan? Yes or no, I wonder why?

I go, go, go and even use WW (formerly Weight Watchers) for a month or so, then let up and leave it for about thirty days. My mental health just plummets during these times and my writing moves inward and seems tired and down-trodden. When I’m working during the low times, I try to read what others are working through and gain insight to new ideas that help during depressive episodes. My morning Bible study-time with God reflects these times as well. “When I am afraid, I put my trust in You (Psalm 56:3, NIV). I know to trust and lean on the Lord. I say I am able to do this, but is it like exercise, stretches and healthy eating habits that get pushed out of sight after thirty days? Yes or no, I wonder why?

Usually, when I’m coming out of this funk is when I begin to read about new and healthy ideas and the push comes back, slowly, to get up and move. I am strong in my push to dedicate a larger portion of Bible study to every day. Ideas about working around the house and cleaning up come to the forefront and I feel revived, slowly, but surely. This brings the Scripture to mind that “surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever” Psalms 23:6, NIV.) A song I learned as a child, Surely Goodness and Mercy:

“Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me, all the days, all the days of my life.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me, all the days, all the days of my life.

I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever, and I will feast at a table set for me.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me, all the days, all the days of my life.”

 

This song comes to mind when I believe I have failed at some or all of the things I believe I am supposed to do. I constantly expect more of myself than what I expect of others. No matter what I do or don’t do, because surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life. Will Jesus still love me? Will I get to sit at that table? Yes or no, why or why not?

After all of this soul-searching, do I like myself? Yes or no, I wonder why? As I look in the mirror, do I like what I see? Yes or no, I wonder why? Do I like my home décore

? Yes or no, I wonder why? I am way too observant of myself, my very presence, my being.

Jesus said the most important commandment is to “’Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it; ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments” (Matthew 22:37-40, NIV.)

I don’t know about anyone else, but I feel sorry for my neighbor because when it comes right down to it, I don’t love myself all that much. It is implied, here, in this Scripture, that I need to love myself in order to love others. Reading this knocks the wind out of me and I feel as deflated as a popped balloon.

I have to learn love from the beginning 1) love God with all my heart, soul and mind (v. 37); 2) love my neighbor (v. 39); 3) love myself (v. 39); 4) follow these commands (v. 40). Bam! There it comes again and knocks the wind out of me.

No amount of exercise, stretches, yoga, writing, weight enhancement tools, cellulose tamer, youth dew make-up, new and stylish clothes, or other, will ever help me love myself. I have to observe the steps of our Savior in order to know how to love all of His creation, including me.

It’s a journey. A journey of love. A journey of looking inward at myself. A journey of soul-searching. A journey of forgiveness. A journey where I am not alone. You are not alone. We are not alone. The Holy Spirit guides, and we follow Him.